I have been walking around for years now, wondering how you are doing, what you are doing, and quite frankly, who you've been doing. Now, this is not an obsession of mine, but lets face it, once in a while, it crosses my mind. Let me explain that to you...
...the moment I met you, was the strangest moment I have ever experienced in my life. I felt my whole life change inside of me as I knew you would be a deciding factor on how after today, I would organize my life. My heart beat faster than it has ever beaten, and that is hard to do because when I first smoked pot I thought I was going to have a heart attack. This was different, this was rough, this was painful...this was love.
You're eyes were the first thing I saw in you, from about fifty feet away, your eyes. Your massive, beautiful, enchanting and mesmerizing brown eyes were almost impossible to miss. So yes, it is safe to say, I loved you with every fiber of my being before I even knew your name.
We were in love mister, in love, you were the first to hold my hand, and I really mean, hold my hand, like you would give your life before letting go. The kind of holding that helps you breathe, think, know, and find comfort no matter where you are, as long as you're in each others arms. Knowing then what I know now, that would have been enough for me to wait around with, to wait until your schedule was able to fit me in for some lovin, to have some fucking sex, for you to get out of your bed with your friend, and be with me...
...you gave me kisses when I didn't want you too, because I was unaware, every time, that it would make me feel better. You kissed me when I felt the ugliest I have ever felt. You touched me when i just couldn't be touched, you talked to me when i was nothing but unreasonable, and you held me up when I was laying on the ground. I did the same for you, at least I hope. You never really told me after I walked away, you just walked the opposite direction, and did not look back. Remember?...
...I found myself working harder everyday to impress you, okay, so it is my fault that I didn't know it wouldn't have mattered, you loved me, I loved you and that's how it was. No in-between, when did the in-between come in? I can't remember either, I only remember a whole bunch of disrespectful banter coming out of no where, and for what? I am still confused too, mister. I told you what was up with me, and you didn't have to reciprocate, but at least tell me that you didn't want to. I'm sorry I left, I didn't mean to, you gave me a chance to change my mind, and I didn't take it. I know. What a stupid fuck. Right? Well, I know, it has been 4 years, where are you? I do believe we have been single at the same times for years now, just walking this path back to each other...
...I have fully accepted the fact that you may never come back, and it's not going to stop me from living, it's not going to take my mind away to the point where I can no longer live strongly. Actually, everyday that passes by I am getting stronger because of the decisions that I have made, everything happens for a reason, right? You happened, and I will never forget or regret that, you are fabulous beyond definition, you have become a person that I strive to be. Unfortunately, we are two different people, when really I was hoping that I could change enough to get you to want me on your own terms. When I should have just assumed that you loved me anyways, which I didn't. Because you never told me. Is it too late?...
... Have you ever experienced seeing something that you can never have. Ya know how for the most part, if you think it, feel it, work it, see it, want it then you can have it, and for the most part, that is true. You, on the other hand, you are locked behind really delicate glass, inside a safe, inside a brick casing, inside a locked building with a hundred security guards. I will never get in. Every time I hear your name, I shiver, in the best possible way. I have seen you on the street, fortunately, I have seen you look back at me once or twice.
I stop having the ability to breathe, think, see, move, smile, anything. You take everything out of me, just the thought of you makes me happier than any starbucks drink, beautiful burger, the longest cigarette, or the biggest bowl, happier than any person has ever made me...
...i love you.
Jmcwilliam
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