Feelin' good;

Birds flying high you know how I feel,Sun in the sky you know how I feel, Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel, It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me, And I'm feeling good. Fish in the sea you know how I feel, River running free you know how I feel, blossom in the trees you know how I feel, It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me, And I'm feeling good. Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know, Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean, Sleep in peace when day is done, And this old world is a new world, And a bold world..For me. Stars when you shine you know how I feel, Scent of the pine you know how I feel, Oh freedom is mine And you know how I feel, It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me..
And I'm feeling good.

Completely Inappropriate;

For the first time in my life, I feel completely comfortable with who I am. The way I'm living my life, and the people I'm surrounding myself with.  The decisions i have been making are ones i feel proud of, for once i don't feel like i need to prove myself to anyone, like they are going to take it or leave it and if they leave it then it just doesn't effect me anymore, i don't have the energy. Like me and my old friend who continuously seem to be hurting each other to the point of no repair; i am sick of the games, we know who we are, we love each other, but we're no good for each other. What else can i do but just let it be what it is. She's going to keep loving who she loves, and so will i and that's going to be the largest divider in our friendship creating a larger and larger void. Maybe it won't happen that way. I suppose only time will tell again. Until then it's just not something i'm going to be concerned about. It frustrates me to no extent that some of them still have the capacity to make me feel like i am in high school again, fighting for popularity, i never feel like that with Vince, Josh and Laura. They know exactly who i am, i don't need to prove anything. I used to think my other friends knew me too.. i was wrong. The only person from them who REALLY knows Sam, (or that i let see the real me) is Jay... and he's been in love with me for years now.

I just had the BIGGEST urge to delete my facebook account. 

Unrequited Love

I have been walking around for years now, wondering how you are doing, what you are doing, and quite frankly, who you've been doing. Now, this is not an obsession of mine, but lets face it, once in a while, it crosses my mind. Let me explain that to you...
...the moment I met you, was the strangest moment I have ever experienced in my life. I felt my whole life change inside of me as I knew you would be a deciding factor on how after today, I would organize my life. My heart beat faster than it has ever beaten, and that is hard to do because when I first smoked pot I thought I was going to have a heart attack. This was different, this was rough, this was painful...this was love.
You're eyes were the first thing I saw in you, from about fifty feet away, your eyes. Your massive, beautiful, enchanting and mesmerizing brown eyes were almost impossible to miss. So yes, it is safe to say, I loved you with every fiber of my being before I even knew your name.
We were in love mister, in love, you were the first to hold my hand, and I really mean, hold my hand, like you would give your life before letting go. The kind of holding that helps you breathe, think, know, and find comfort no matter where you are, as long as you're in each others arms. Knowing then what I know now, that would have been enough for me to wait around with, to wait until your schedule was able to fit me in for some lovin, to have some fucking sex, for you to get out of your bed with your friend, and be with me...
...you gave me kisses when I didn't want you too, because I was unaware, every time, that it would make me feel better. You kissed me when I felt the ugliest I have ever felt. You touched me when i just couldn't be touched, you talked to me when i was nothing but unreasonable, and you held me up when I was laying on the ground. I did the same for you, at least I hope. You never really told me after I walked away, you just walked the opposite direction, and did not look back. Remember?...
...I found myself working harder everyday to impress you, okay, so it is my fault that I didn't know it wouldn't have mattered, you loved me, I loved you and that's how it was. No in-between, when did the in-between come in? I can't remember either, I only remember a whole bunch of disrespectful banter coming out of no where, and for what? I am still confused too, mister. I told you what was up with me, and you didn't have to reciprocate, but at least tell me that you didn't want to. I'm sorry I left, I didn't mean to, you gave me a chance to change my mind, and I didn't take it. I know. What a stupid fuck. Right? Well, I know, it has been 4 years, where are you? I do believe we have been single at the same times for years now, just walking this path back to each other...
...I have fully accepted the fact that you may never come back, and it's not going to stop me from living, it's not going to take my mind away to the point where I can no longer live strongly. Actually, everyday that passes by I am getting stronger because of the decisions that I have made, everything happens for a reason, right? You happened, and I will never forget or regret that, you are fabulous beyond definition, you have become a person that I strive to be. Unfortunately, we are two different people, when really I was hoping that I could change enough to get you to want me on your own terms. When I should have just assumed that you loved me anyways, which I didn't. Because you never told me. Is it too late?...
... Have you ever experienced seeing something that you can never have. Ya know how for the most part, if you think it, feel it, work it, see it, want it then you can have it, and for the most part, that is true. You, on the other hand, you are locked behind really delicate glass, inside a safe, inside a brick casing, inside a locked building with a hundred security guards. I will never get in. Every time I hear your name, I shiver, in the best possible way. I have seen you on the street, fortunately, I have seen you look back at me once or twice.
I stop having the ability to breathe, think, see, move, smile, anything. You take everything out of me, just the thought of you makes me happier than any starbucks drink, beautiful burger, the longest cigarette, or the biggest bowl, happier than any person has ever made me...
...i love you.

Jmcwilliam

Brutal Honesty;

think about it.

The Design of the Universe;

This is ridiculously interesting;
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/george_smoot_on_the_design_of_the_universe.html

My heart is in Vancouver;

I recently took a trip out to Vancouver, the life is so much different out there than it is here, people are happier, nicer, and all together just more loving and hopeful than any general part of Alberta, I suppose I could say that about all of BC. Everything feels so fresh, crisp, like you can breathe out there. The ocean is humongous in all it's glory, I would worship the sea if I didn't seem like a complete idiot in the act. There's so much talent out there, beggars on  the street do neat tricks for petty cash, singing in deep seductive tones, or juggling while standing on a ball and balancing a bottle on their head in the mean time. It has a sort of wonder to it. Like everything was staged just for your enjoyment. There's so much music out there. Which really is where most inspiration begins in the first place. It's no wonder every stranger you pass makes you smile.
I would love to raise my daughter there.

Two half's

My life is split into two half's, and they do not get along very well, they envy each other, and they are both very stubborn. One side of my life is very happy, extremely filled with joy and laughter, this side of my life is always proud of me, always interested in what I have to say, and encouraging of my goals. The second half of my life is always judging and critiquing my choices, unsure of my strengths, and doubtful of my progress. This side is very rarely impressed or proud of my intentions. Though I struggle so much with this, because I so badly want validation, I have been coming to a head in my life where I feel like I need to let that need go. Because if I don't I will always end up feeling disappointed with myself. I know I need to be focusing on the good parts of my life, the ones that make me and the people around me happy. This should not be such a struggle, and it does come easy enough, but I always seem to have this guilt hanging over my head, like I might be letting someone I love down. [which I am NOT] well.. I suppose to them I am, but I shouldn't be, that is the realization. There's always going to be some reason for them to think I am not living up to my full potential, because we will always have a different view of things. I need to let this go. It really only matters if I am the one who feels successful in my own life. Am I right? I am genuinely happy for the first time in years, if they don't or can't be a part of that with me, then I don't think they ever will really accept me for who I am. I need to come to peace with that.