summer 07

just something i jotted down Wednesday August 1st 2007:

i just don't give a damn anymore,
itch the itch, chase the girl, keep the dream..
too tired to put up a fight, too hurt to turn out the light,
lick your lips as i sway my hips..
i cheated myself like i knew i would.
you know im no good.

put me where i belong <3
what a bitch. watch the bloody chrimson heart pound rivers through her skin.
let go of what i've done erase myself and start again!
make it happen.

Devine Moments of Truth ~~~

all alone he turns to stone,
while holding his breath half the time,
terrified of what's inside,
to save his life,
he crawls like a worm from a bird.

watched American Psycho for the first time...why do psycho movies make me feel insane?
"when asking a woman out on a date.. there's two things i think of...
one is -- treating her all sweet, buying her nice things and being all giggly...
the second is -- what her head would look like on a stick."

twisted in thought, and losing my mind to whatever it is out there that makes us all crazy..
am i paranoid or just running?
is your mind like a sponge? soaking up the energy and intoxicants of the world? all the psychobabble bullshit that i keep referring to.
i could rant like this for hours, typing away about all the freaky little thoughts that come skipping across my mind and playing with my brain making swirls and mush of it.
where do all our thoughts go? they just appear out of nowhere and then they're gone again...
honestly though, all of our thoughts are just a continuum of one huge thought that's been going on our entire lives.. one leading to the next, it's crazy how many things can be connected like that.

mmmm Shpongle. <3

I Hit Him With An Axe.. In The FACE.

how dare you see my flaws as something morbid instead of beautiful,
how dare you shrink my inabilities until there is nothing left.
how dare you fucking create this world without something real inside of it.
how dare you chase away my life and leave it scattered on the bloody pavement.
how dare you make yourself a god and me a petty beggar.
how dare you laugh, while the one you've broken is crying, you know you are bigger than them..
how dare you not give him a chance.
how dare you say that you only meant well.. because of course you did.

Ransom notes keep falling out of your mouth.

dance dance

So, he's leaving, i am finally in love, true fucking pure love, and he's on the highway.
it's going to keep me good, and it's going to keep me right, and i just want one more kiss!
but he's gone.
all i wanna do is get the hell out of calgary, and he's doing it.
why arn't i leaving with him?

the irony in this situation is enough to make one tiny person explode!
and im waiting.
im waiting for my life to start, for my travelling to begin!
and to be able to be with HIM.
jebus, what else can i do now, but wait?
im all his, and he's all mine, and it's that forever thing, that kiss me and take my soul thing.
that life mates, soul mates thing! and im waiting.
[and don't even get me started on the sex]

Think Happy Thoughts.

Be Positive.

Butterflies.

...i'm about to do something really bad.
something i keep doing in cycles.
something that is always AMAZING in the beginning but by the end brings me so much pain and hate that i honstly go insane..
i've already started.. i can feel it in my stomach,
why does it have to be the only thing that gives me butterflies?
i know how this goes, and i know where it ends.
and every time it does i tell myself that i'll never let my mind go there again..
and then one day, just out of no where.. it could have been weeks to days to months, but it always happens..
i feel my mind turn, and i feel my heart skip beats, and those oh so memorable butterflies creep their way down my throat and into my stomach.. and i know from that point on, im lost again.

i have an addiction...
and his name is Joe.



[I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame
This tearing apart...I think we all should die
I think we're dead inside
I know the purest rain
Won't wash the bloody stain
I know it waits to strike
This sickness from inside Will tear us apart
You're still in my heart Tearing apart
O you hold the rain
Far far away
Wild swans skim across a lake
Then soar in a white arc
Above my head I wakeTearing apart
You're still in my heart Tearing apart
O you hold the rain]

i am not an environmentalist

1..
"Anyone help you with that?"
"could i interest you in a reusable bag from _____?"
"Do you have an air miles card?"
"Would you like a regular planet killing bag instead?"
"reciept in the bag?"
"Have a good day!"

jesus fuck.


if i have to listen to one more persons sorry excuse for not buying a 1.99$ reusable bag, my head is going to explode.
"um.. actually, im a volunteer, so i've already done my part to protect the planet.."
fuck off. lol.

Stuck In The Real.

I think the one thing that i always hated about writting blogs, was that half way through i would get bored.. simply for the fact that it always felt like i was writting for an audience.
maybe that made me feel like i couldn't expand my thoughts or my views to their full potential merely because i wanted to appear milder than i really am.
like for instance, the topic of sex.
i would never write about sex on an online blog because it's not something you always want to share with your entire online world..
but in reality, it's something thats on my mind almost all the time, and it really should be written about.. and not just sex, but passion, and lust, and those gasping moments when your whole world is spinning and your entire body goes numb from that one kiss...
you know that kiss?.... the one where when it's happening, and you're lips are brushing each other.. real.. slow..
it's almost like your souls are circling in and out of each other like an endless loop of total ecstasy, and you can breath each others breath.. and ironically enough, it makes your breathless and almost light headed.
i miss that.

but like this kiss and many other REAL things i fail to mention in my "blog" life, it leaves me feeling like what im writting about really has no meaning at all.
so what am i doing?

i guess all i can do is pick up from this post and write about what i'm completely passionate about and fuck the rest.
because whats the use of a juicy blog, without being thirsty for something good?
and so it begins..

Chastise

Keeping calm all the time,
I'll keep your secrets and make them mine,
Chastising is my only friend
The Dearest one til the end.

TwitterPated

Being shy and nervous,
excited and affraid,
anknowing and not in love,
crazyness...
total and complete crazyness!

strength is something i have now.. something thats all mine to conquer.
just still as fucked as ever. but as always - i'm a hostage to my own humanity.

with love way behind me, and my past completely gone, maybe i can finally discover me.
all i know so far is that most everything is about knowing when to stop.. stop.

been restless over psychobable with college kids, expanding my intilectual intercourse.. like something out of Waking Life.
and i guess i'm Happily Alone.

confessions?

"Throw me a line with a hook and some raw bleeding bait, for I am uncaught and still swimming alone in the lake.."

As it stands, i have enough guilt to start my own religion..
stranger thing: i don't feel it..
is it sad when emotions like guilt or fear are replaced with angst or bitterness?
and i mean, full blown bitterness.

One step closer to finding my inner truths, and it almost feels like i'm becoming selfish. Or maybe thats how everyone else thinks i should feel.

[right before the apocolypse i wrote] :
I have a way of sabotaging my life subconsciously to get rid of all the shit that's not good for me.

..couple bottles of wine and a cell phone later; i am getting thrown into the street and all I knew was her face, and it was gone.