I need to grow.

Lost. Crazy.
I'm Starving for Knowledge
it's driving me completely insane, i'm craving more passion,
and thats coming more naturally to me these days...
his lips make me quiver, and it's impossible for me to go an entire day
without thinking about how he makes me numb in the most perfect ways
im clinging to his rapture and crying because it makes me so happy
it's like the most potent poison,
and i am completely satisfied.

UCK-F;

im a FUCKING teenager. leave me the FUCK alone! let me love, let me fuck, let me be me. fuck you and everything that comes along with you. where the fuck is my mind?! slowly one by one you'll fall away and become part of the fucking scenery. you don't know me stop pretending you do.. maybe im in love. and it's not with you. feet in the air and your head on the ground. collapse. where is my mind? how dare you tell me about my flaws when i am drowning in yours. judgemental piece! you have no fucking idea! poison the water and tell me to drink from it! you don't understand me and you never will, get me the fuck out of here. does it tear you apart?! does it eat you up inside!? just ask yourself.. "where is my mind?"
you all have done this to me. you're all responsible. and yet you don't even know. sobbing at the fear for tears, weigh me out in the water. you think i have issues? the issues i have created for myself are all subjects of your own self distruction... fucking ask yourself. you want all your answers, we're all lonely pieces of a ridiculous puzzle that no one knows the answers to. pointless, you're completely pointless. everyone expects me to turn out a certain way, fuck you all. go dance with the pixies, you dont know what real life is, you can't even come close. for the first time in years i've felt something real. and im supposed to feel bad for it? take me or leave me. i could keep you close to me for hours. kiss me one more time before you leave. nothing is ever satisfied. restraining orders on ex lovers? trapped inside something that i cant feel is real. where is my mind?

this pattern..

i don't know what to do.. I'm torn between what i know is right and what i want.. I've never been the most honest type, I've always been the betrayer... the liar.. the one you think you can trust.. i mess up.. i hurt people. i make those i love most cry, better i should know. i live off a cycle and that is to crave something and once i get to it i do everything in my nature to destroy it. the life I've left behind me is a cold room. take me in, no questions asked.. you strip away the ugliness that surrounds me. i know I'll disappoint you. it's never good enough, and i find myself always seeking more... i don't understand at the thought of the touch of your hand i would be the one to fall.. you drive me crazy, though i have everything i should want, and that is right for me.. i want to give my passion to you. those who love me the way i love deceit.

i do what i have to

What ravages of spiritConjured this temptuous rageCreated you a monsterBroken by the rules of loveAnd fate has led you through itYou do what you have to doAnd fate has led you through itYou do what you have to do ...And I have the sense to recognize thatI don’t know how to let you goEvery moment markedWith apparitions of your soulI’m ever swiftly movingTrying to escape this desireThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doBut I have the sense to recognizeThat I don’t know howTo let you goI don’t know howTo let you goA glowing emberBurning hotBurning slowDeep within I’m shaken by the violenceOf existing for only youI know I can’t be with youI do what I have to doI know I can’t be with youI do what I have to doAnd I have sense to recognize butI don’t know how to let you goI don’t know how to let you goI don’t know how to let you go

soul.

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide

Voices trapped in yearning

Memories trapped in time

The night is my companion

And solitude my guide

Would I spend forever here

And not be satisfied?

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I’ll take your breath away...

And after I’d wipe away the tears,

Just close your eyes dear.

Through this world I’ve stumbled

So many times betrayed

Trying to find an honest word

To find, the truth enslaved

Oh you speak to me in riddles and,

You speak to me in rhymes,

*My body aches to breathe your breath

You words keep me alive*

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I’ll take your breath away

And after I’d wipe away the tears

Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander

It’s morning that I dread

Another day of knowing of

The path I fear to tread

Oh into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride

Nothing stands between us here

That I won’t be denied

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I’ll take your breath away

And after I’d wipe away the tears

Just close your eyes dear

?

what the fuck am i? what are we? beings on this "earth" we call it. still and quiet. falling. breathless. underneath my skin, what is i? look inward. what is there? a soul? are you an empty shell like me? when you look in the mirror, you see what you see everyday, when i look in the mirror, i question whats there. what are we?! growing colder. i can feel myself under your skin. the unanswerable question will haunt me for my entire life. beings on this earth. alien. turning into dust.

I'm in the business of misery,Let's take it from the top.She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock.It's a matter of time before we all run out,When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.I waited eight long months,She finally set him free.I told him I couldn't lie he was the only one for me.Two weeks and we caught on fire,She's got it out for me,But I wear the biggest smile.Whoa, I never meant to bragBut I got him where I want him now.Whoa, it was never my intention to bragTo steal it all away from you now.But God does it feel so good,Cause I got him where I want him now.And if you could then you know you would.It's gonna just feel so...It just feels so good.Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged.I'm sorry honey, but I passed it up, now look this way.Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you.Looking as innocent as possible to get to who,They want and what they like it's easy if you do it right.Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!Whoa, I never meant to bragBut I got him where I want him now.Whoa, it was never my intention to bragTo steal it all away from you now.But God does it feel so good,Cause I got him where I want him right now.And if you could then you know you would.It's gonna just feel so...It just feels so good.I watched his wildest dreams come trueNot one of them involving youJust watch my wildest dreams come trueNot one of them involving...Whoa, I never meant to bragBut I got him where I want him now.

viscous

i just wanna rip your head off with my teeth!

Here we Go again.

Well another bad day's gone by.Another day of being angry.Never known a person who could spend so much time being mad at me.And I didn't mean to get here late, my car ran out of gas, and then a freight train crashed into the road and I had to save the people.Didn't think you'd get so mad, but here we go...here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Well I'm glad that you calmed down.Never thought I'd ever see you smile after your head spun around and you spit all that green stuff out on me.No, I can't go to the mall. That really sucks you know how much I love to wait while you change again and again and again and again and again.Didn't mean to let you down, but here we go...here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Well, I'm really sorry that.....that I made you mad again.That doesn't really mean I'm sorry.Cause it's really not my fault that you're over reacting...here we go...here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Don't look now cause here we go again.Don't look now cause here we go again. Yeah.Don't look now cause here we go again.Don't look now cause here we go again

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain I like watchin' the puddles gather rain And all I can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view But it's not sane, It's not sane I just want some one to say to me I'll always be there when you wake Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today So stay with me and I'll have it made And I don't understand why I sleep all day And I start to complain that there's no rain And all I can do is read a book to stay awake And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape escape......escape......escape...... All I can say is that my life is pretty plain ya don't like my point of view ya think I'm insane Its not sane......it's not sane

summer 07

just something i jotted down Wednesday August 1st 2007:

i just don't give a damn anymore,
itch the itch, chase the girl, keep the dream..
too tired to put up a fight, too hurt to turn out the light,
lick your lips as i sway my hips..
i cheated myself like i knew i would.
you know im no good.

put me where i belong <3
what a bitch. watch the bloody chrimson heart pound rivers through her skin.
let go of what i've done erase myself and start again!
make it happen.

Devine Moments of Truth ~~~

all alone he turns to stone,
while holding his breath half the time,
terrified of what's inside,
to save his life,
he crawls like a worm from a bird.

watched American Psycho for the first time...why do psycho movies make me feel insane?
"when asking a woman out on a date.. there's two things i think of...
one is -- treating her all sweet, buying her nice things and being all giggly...
the second is -- what her head would look like on a stick."

twisted in thought, and losing my mind to whatever it is out there that makes us all crazy..
am i paranoid or just running?
is your mind like a sponge? soaking up the energy and intoxicants of the world? all the psychobabble bullshit that i keep referring to.
i could rant like this for hours, typing away about all the freaky little thoughts that come skipping across my mind and playing with my brain making swirls and mush of it.
where do all our thoughts go? they just appear out of nowhere and then they're gone again...
honestly though, all of our thoughts are just a continuum of one huge thought that's been going on our entire lives.. one leading to the next, it's crazy how many things can be connected like that.

mmmm Shpongle. <3

I Hit Him With An Axe.. In The FACE.

how dare you see my flaws as something morbid instead of beautiful,
how dare you shrink my inabilities until there is nothing left.
how dare you fucking create this world without something real inside of it.
how dare you chase away my life and leave it scattered on the bloody pavement.
how dare you make yourself a god and me a petty beggar.
how dare you laugh, while the one you've broken is crying, you know you are bigger than them..
how dare you not give him a chance.
how dare you say that you only meant well.. because of course you did.

Ransom notes keep falling out of your mouth.

dance dance

So, he's leaving, i am finally in love, true fucking pure love, and he's on the highway.
it's going to keep me good, and it's going to keep me right, and i just want one more kiss!
but he's gone.
all i wanna do is get the hell out of calgary, and he's doing it.
why arn't i leaving with him?

the irony in this situation is enough to make one tiny person explode!
and im waiting.
im waiting for my life to start, for my travelling to begin!
and to be able to be with HIM.
jebus, what else can i do now, but wait?
im all his, and he's all mine, and it's that forever thing, that kiss me and take my soul thing.
that life mates, soul mates thing! and im waiting.
[and don't even get me started on the sex]

Think Happy Thoughts.

Be Positive.

Butterflies.

...i'm about to do something really bad.
something i keep doing in cycles.
something that is always AMAZING in the beginning but by the end brings me so much pain and hate that i honstly go insane..
i've already started.. i can feel it in my stomach,
why does it have to be the only thing that gives me butterflies?
i know how this goes, and i know where it ends.
and every time it does i tell myself that i'll never let my mind go there again..
and then one day, just out of no where.. it could have been weeks to days to months, but it always happens..
i feel my mind turn, and i feel my heart skip beats, and those oh so memorable butterflies creep their way down my throat and into my stomach.. and i know from that point on, im lost again.

i have an addiction...
and his name is Joe.



[I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame
This tearing apart...I think we all should die
I think we're dead inside
I know the purest rain
Won't wash the bloody stain
I know it waits to strike
This sickness from inside Will tear us apart
You're still in my heart Tearing apart
O you hold the rain
Far far away
Wild swans skim across a lake
Then soar in a white arc
Above my head I wakeTearing apart
You're still in my heart Tearing apart
O you hold the rain]

i am not an environmentalist

1..
"Anyone help you with that?"
"could i interest you in a reusable bag from _____?"
"Do you have an air miles card?"
"Would you like a regular planet killing bag instead?"
"reciept in the bag?"
"Have a good day!"

jesus fuck.


if i have to listen to one more persons sorry excuse for not buying a 1.99$ reusable bag, my head is going to explode.
"um.. actually, im a volunteer, so i've already done my part to protect the planet.."
fuck off. lol.

Stuck In The Real.

I think the one thing that i always hated about writting blogs, was that half way through i would get bored.. simply for the fact that it always felt like i was writting for an audience.
maybe that made me feel like i couldn't expand my thoughts or my views to their full potential merely because i wanted to appear milder than i really am.
like for instance, the topic of sex.
i would never write about sex on an online blog because it's not something you always want to share with your entire online world..
but in reality, it's something thats on my mind almost all the time, and it really should be written about.. and not just sex, but passion, and lust, and those gasping moments when your whole world is spinning and your entire body goes numb from that one kiss...
you know that kiss?.... the one where when it's happening, and you're lips are brushing each other.. real.. slow..
it's almost like your souls are circling in and out of each other like an endless loop of total ecstasy, and you can breath each others breath.. and ironically enough, it makes your breathless and almost light headed.
i miss that.

but like this kiss and many other REAL things i fail to mention in my "blog" life, it leaves me feeling like what im writting about really has no meaning at all.
so what am i doing?

i guess all i can do is pick up from this post and write about what i'm completely passionate about and fuck the rest.
because whats the use of a juicy blog, without being thirsty for something good?
and so it begins..

Chastise

Keeping calm all the time,
I'll keep your secrets and make them mine,
Chastising is my only friend
The Dearest one til the end.

TwitterPated

Being shy and nervous,
excited and affraid,
anknowing and not in love,
crazyness...
total and complete crazyness!

strength is something i have now.. something thats all mine to conquer.
just still as fucked as ever. but as always - i'm a hostage to my own humanity.

with love way behind me, and my past completely gone, maybe i can finally discover me.
all i know so far is that most everything is about knowing when to stop.. stop.

been restless over psychobable with college kids, expanding my intilectual intercourse.. like something out of Waking Life.
and i guess i'm Happily Alone.

confessions?

"Throw me a line with a hook and some raw bleeding bait, for I am uncaught and still swimming alone in the lake.."

As it stands, i have enough guilt to start my own religion..
stranger thing: i don't feel it..
is it sad when emotions like guilt or fear are replaced with angst or bitterness?
and i mean, full blown bitterness.

One step closer to finding my inner truths, and it almost feels like i'm becoming selfish. Or maybe thats how everyone else thinks i should feel.

[right before the apocolypse i wrote] :
I have a way of sabotaging my life subconsciously to get rid of all the shit that's not good for me.

..couple bottles of wine and a cell phone later; i am getting thrown into the street and all I knew was her face, and it was gone.