Past;

It's always interesting coming across old photo's or journals of yourself, remembering what your life used to be like, thinking about whether you've made all the right choices along the way, if it was for the better letting those people go. It seems like it was only yesterday, I was a child, irresponsible and free. Making choices that effected me or the people around me negatively, but I didn't care, it didn't effect me, or at least that was my logic. It was a wonderful feeling not to care. Not as good as it feels to care now, but still a good feeling. I wish I could reassure myself better that I've become who I want to be. That everything that's great in my life has come to me by making the right choice. That in some sense frees me also. No regrets. No fear.

"You can never go home again"

Honesty;

Honesty is a very tricky thing sometimes. You can have the best possible intentions and have them completely backfire, and owning up to that mistake to the people you care most about should be the easiest possible choice, But most of the time it isn't. I recently had to tell on of my good friends that the guy i was setting him up with relapsed on drugs, this is was a very hurtful honest moment. I have also had to deal with honesty in my own relationship, getting engaged is a big step and in getting there, there were a lot of boundaries that needed to be crossed. A lot of truth was needed in those steps, and quite a bit of it was painful, but the outcome was immaculately wonderful. I have been going through this honesty wave over the past 2 years, it has become one of the most important things communication wise that i think about, and it is very necessary. I'm thankful that i have this understanding, that i realize how important it is in building strong, real relationships, because HONESTLY.. i wasn't always this way.

New Directions;

I have recently been discovering a new side of myself, and want to keep pursuing it. Since our engagement, and even before then, I had a lot of time to really go over the idea's in my mind, the things I constantly am wrapping my head around, and honestly, most of it was crap. I have decided to spring clean my brain and my life. Letting go of things that are of no or bad use to me, focusing my attention on other things around me, events, people, thoughts. IDEAS. I want to rekindle my passion for conversation, and expand my brain. I'm tired of having relationships/men/love as the only thing my pretty little head is worried about. I've found my man, the person I want to share the rest of my life with, and now I can focus on building that life, experiencing as much as I possibly can. I want to be brilliant for my daughter. I want to be able to show her a world not many parents are enthusiastic enough about showing to their kids. I've always been able to carry on an intellectual conversation, but I want to be brilliant. Really shine. I have chosen to start paying more attention to things around me that I normally would not pay attention to, a good example would be people watching, I used to do it all the time, thinking about what that persons life must be like, because we all are so unique and carry massive events and memories and stories around with us, it's incredible that there's enough room on earth for every single one of us to have our very own separate lives, so full and rich. I'm ready to start giving a shit again. And it's a really good feeling.
This blog will be one of my tools for really connecting myself with the world, thoughts, and people again. I'm actually really stoked about it.

We Feel Fine;

We're engaged.
It was honestly one of the most perfect moments in my life, like we were a part of a movie about our relationship or something. 4 weeks ago we had our beautiful daughter, and now we are getting married. I am so incredibly in love it's overwhelming, but it's a different kind of love than I've ever really experienced, everything feels very new to me. We're on this journey together, learning so much about ourselves and the people we love, everything is just beginning and all coming together. I feel very fortunate like I've been blessed by something much larger than myself. (on a side note;I think I might be becoming a closet christian) shh don't tell ;)