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it is 12am on a friday night, and my mother is missing with her 2 year old son that i love like my own, i am freaking out. she could be staying at a friends house, or she could have been hit by a car, she could have been raped and killed... and my little brother could be laying bleeding somewhere. point being, she told my brother she was going to the store 6 hours ago, and she's not returned. i have called the police at this point. i am pacing. crying. shaking. nervous. i don't know what to do but wait. wait for a phone call. i have called all the hospitals in the city and she's not been admitted to any of them, so i am waiting for my brother to call me after the police come to his house and fill out a report. my mother has not been out of her house past 8pm since Raven was born.

"

with innocent eyes I explore the world, with an open heart I love you and all that you are. No matter what happens, in all that is; I find joy with a curious mind and a giggle at my lips.

"


come home mommy. i'm scared, and you're the only other person who knows me like i do.

burn it.

haven't you heard? i guess we're just two wounded birds.
I need to not sweat the small stuff right now. it's just causing me more unwanted stress in my crazy life. love what can be loved because it can be, and burn what can be burned. because it needs to be. voicing my emotional side on any argument will not get me anywhere right now.
i am tired of being sad because of the way the people closest to me react to my life.
it's stress i don't need. so just let it go. i don't need to control every inch of my life. i don't really need to care about most of it even. just the important things, like work, and the baby, the rest i just need to be content with, and comfortable and live. let myself be happy for once. and just breathe.

practical magic.

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

catch

I am a CATCH let me tell you,
im really happy that i keep old journals and updates about myself, because when i start to lose touch with myself i can find me again.
it can remind me of who i am and what i have to offer --- how wonderful my life is, and how much i really love it.
The first step to finding the love of your life is finding the love inside of you for yourself.
you really need to love yourself.
I am so thrilled to be becoming a mother! i could cry right now, what more of a gift could i ask for to complete my life.

getting this off my chest.

I feel trapped in my home.
My dad keeps cutting me out of his life.
i have no savings, i am starting a new job next week, and thats not enough time for me to save
first months rent for the new apartment im moving into.
i have the support of a wonderful group of friends, but i am constantly on the verge of a mental break down.
I'm starting to get a baby bump. I'm gonna have to pawn some things to get money for moving.
which my dad now refuses to help me do.
All of the light bulbs in my house have burned out minus one living room light and a lamp i have in my bedroom.
I am having a baby with a boy i am no longer in love with nor in a relationship with but, we will be living together as parents and friends.
My dad and step mother continuously refuse to accept that i am having a baby and are doing everything in their power to try to make me give it up for adoption. of course abortion was their first request but it is much too late for that now, as i am 4 months pregnant.
i am ecstatically happy about being a mother.
there is not a day goes by that i dont struggle with the relationship of my dad, my best friend, or my baby's father. they are causing more stress in my life than my finding out i was pregnant to begin with. they are the only part that is making any of this difficult for me.
I am craving a stable relationship of any sort.
I am getting food from the food bank for the very first time in my life.
i can't wait to get the fuck out of here.

Pathetic me

I am struggling with my pathetic half.
one side argues that i know exactly what i want and i know what i will or will not put up with, and the other side of me is desperate to take on the next idiot that comes stumbling into my complicated life. I am going to be a mother. And i am still searching for love!!
it's as if every moment is a test, grading me to see if i am ready to take on something real.
I know EXACTLY what i want. but i am restless and impatient.
Constantly realigning myself. I am taking care of a 20 year old child when i really don't need to be.
But somehow i have convinced myself that it makes things easier for me. Does it? I'm starting not to believe myself. which could actually turn out to be a good thing for once.
I love Craig Ferguson. He makes everything laughable, and disregards all responsibility.
I am complete nonsense most of the time.
I am not in love/lust/ OR infatuation right now, and i think that is what bothers me the most. i am constantly in need of a muse. the biggest problem with that now is, i have much higher standards. which makes muses much harder to come by. what kind of logic is that?! constantly craving things that are mentally unhealthy for me.