Pathetic me

I am struggling with my pathetic half.
one side argues that i know exactly what i want and i know what i will or will not put up with, and the other side of me is desperate to take on the next idiot that comes stumbling into my complicated life. I am going to be a mother. And i am still searching for love!!
it's as if every moment is a test, grading me to see if i am ready to take on something real.
I know EXACTLY what i want. but i am restless and impatient.
Constantly realigning myself. I am taking care of a 20 year old child when i really don't need to be.
But somehow i have convinced myself that it makes things easier for me. Does it? I'm starting not to believe myself. which could actually turn out to be a good thing for once.
I love Craig Ferguson. He makes everything laughable, and disregards all responsibility.
I am complete nonsense most of the time.
I am not in love/lust/ OR infatuation right now, and i think that is what bothers me the most. i am constantly in need of a muse. the biggest problem with that now is, i have much higher standards. which makes muses much harder to come by. what kind of logic is that?! constantly craving things that are mentally unhealthy for me.