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goodnight neverland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqN5yWg6ff4

You were always my best kept secret.

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, trust your intuition.

JULY 28th 2009

We did mushrooms with Laura Agar finally, it was wonderful. the colors were unbelievable. i remember sitting in her front yard looking at the street light through the arched trees and her short curly metal fence. just thinking about true beauty in the world. it was kind of a yellow and purple atmosphere, it was amazing. somehow it felt like the only thing that could complete its beauty was if Taylor Heywood was sitting underneath it. those moments are irreplaceable. things that keep my life together. like fall leaves bleeding impressions on the sidewalk after it rains. or looking at the dome of stars one perfectly clear night and realizing how amazingly small we are compared to the universe. or laying parallel to a friend, just staring into each others eyes while holding there hand and having that perfect moment of knowing you'll always be there for one another. or peaceful words of love between a broken friendship, sharing that bit of hope and joy when you find out they miss you as much as you miss them. this is true love.
A weeping willow cried for me.
I will not lose myself.
and i WILL be proud.

JUNE 29th 2009

I need to grow some balls. get the fucking show on the road already. time to grow up. breathe, and grow up.
stop the poor me thing, you are a product of your decade generation, act like it. :D pay more attention, you're not really working at it yet. so start, kick it off, go to fucking bed early, wake up early. take care of your life. I'm almost 20!! what the fuck!?! i wanna move out, and get married!! and have little punk rock babies!! and be really cool young parents that are really responsible!! not lazy!! lol. i wanna live in an old house, with loud speakers, and an awesome front yard that faces south so the sun is always beaming on it. with beautiful vines growing up the sides, with lots of huge messed up painted art work everywhere inside. with a big back yard with a bbq and a dog. in BC. oh man.working in a tattoo parlor. with a husband in a band, that is covered in tatty's and piercings that is an amazing father and deeply in love with me.... thats my dream. maybe in Mexico! somewhere beautiful anyways.

Ridding

I am ridding this blog of any negative energy.

hard candy.

jealousy is such a dangerous thing...

It makes us vicious and angry. Weak. Nervous.
It's completely uncontrollable. Which is the scariest part about it.
There are so many different sides to jealousy.
And they all have bad names.
They all giggle in horrible ways.
And you can never fully forget them and the ways they manage to hurt you.

It's terrible knowing how much jealousy I've let other people feel.
But it's life. You can't really help it.

I wish I could just release it and be alright.
It manages to make me feel like there is a black hole in my chest that keeps pulling my mouth, all the way down my throat to my heart, deeper and deeper into it... making me want to cry and scream all at the same time.
I never expect myself to go to that place, but it happens.
One day I am the confident, not a care in the world, siren with an attitude that commands attention.. and the next I am shriveled and dried out from crying for hours.
What a mess.

WEDNESDAY MAY 13th 2009

To my dismay.. there is a dark Jason Dean in the running. we promised each other we won't fall in love. i swear i won't. He'll go down first, i knew that from the first time he stayed the night, i thought to myself "there's no chance i will cave first" because that's how the first kiss went. i swore i wouldn't make the first move, and i didn't have to. it was exciting, he's a vampire.

Mmm.. so this guy, he has a kid. his kid is 9 months old and his name is Blake. beautiful baby, and his father... we've been.. and well... he's been, wow. yeah. don't quite know how to describe the past week. i actually ended up getting really ill. like dangerously high fever, almost passing out. we were laying in my bed together at maybe 2am, the dimmer was on real low, so everything had a dark tan color to it i was almost asleep, and he put his hand on my stomach "i could get 2nd degree burns if i left my hand here.." so he took the sheets off me, peeled off my shirt, and unhooked my bra, taking it off nice and slow. he went and got a glass of water, "we need to cool you off..." he laid down beside me, sliding the glass across my tummy. i bit my lip shivering, and as i gripped the crimson sheets with my fingers, he dipped his into the glass and let beads of water drip onto my skin, i let out a sigh that was of both pain and relief. he just kept drawing on my tummy til it was cool again, giving me sweet soft kisses and blows. i felt safe. after i was calm again he started kissing lower and lower on my belly, touching my thighs gently, just little caress'. his tongue felt like silk on my skin, warm and smooth, perfect. He lifted his head and moved closer to me with the back of his hand sliding higher on my inner thigh, spreading my legs even further, his hands got to the top of my legs, he touched me again, this time going deeper. I remember looking right in his eyes when he moved his hips into mine. the inhaled breath. the fluttering eyes. amazing that it wasn't even the first time we'd had sex together. it was like this almost every time.
His name is Vince.

He has the perfect kiss. his lips are beautiful. it's funny cuz i know im not even infatuated really,
more just stuck in admiration. which i think is much better, less chance of getting hurt and you're not worried all the time. free to have fun and really be who you are. he told me something i thought was cute when i called him a dork one day, he said "You need to be accepting of the things you don't like or understand about me so you can appreciate the things you do like." Roughly. it just made me think, it was kind of a reality check.

stop the intensity

I had to remove this post.. because I wrote it during a time when I didn't really like myself, and looking back on that time, I still don't like who I was then. Refreshed I am free.

Cocorosie - Werewolf

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight

Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah i suck dick
Loose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children's things a young mother's love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water, but I'm just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave leading to my
Schizophrenic father. Weeping willow won't you wallow louder
Searching for my father's power

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

He's a black magic wielder some say a witch
Wielded darkness when he was wilein' on his mom's
And born child and he was the bastard the that broke
Up the marriage evil doer doing evil from a baby carriage
And he was born with the same blue eyes
Crystal ships dripping with ice, diamonds coruscate
In the night fireworks electric bright
And now he's got his own two sons
Trys to hide his tears in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom
Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now alligator

In a dream my father came to me
And made me swear that I'd keep
What's sacred to me
And if i get the choice to live in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing oh happy day

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged
He had your hands and my father's face
Another western vampire
Different time same place
I has dreams that brings me sadness
Rain much deeper than a river
Sorrow flow through me
Tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
They break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse