holding us dearer

Twice I turn my back on you
I fell flat on my face but didn't lose
Tell me where would I go
Tell me what led you on I'd love to know

Was it the blue night
Gone fragile
Was it both men?
In wonder steady goin' under
Was it the light ways
So frightening
Was it a two wills
One mirror holding us dearer now

Thought I had an answer once
But your random way swept me along
Colossal signs so I got lost
With so many lovers singing songs

Was it the blue night
Gone fragile
Was it both men
In wonder steady goin' under
Was it the light ways
So frightening
Was it a two wills
One mirror holding us dearer now

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy.
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

The Lotus Symbol in Buhhdism

The lotus (Sanskrit and Tibetan padma) is one of the Eight Auspicious Symbols and one of the most poignant representations of Buddhist teaching.
The roots of a lotus are in the mud, the stem grows up through the water, and the heavily scented flower lies pristinely above the water, basking in the sunlight. This pattern of growth signifies the progress of the soul from the primeval mud of materialism, through the waters of experience, and into the bright sunshine of enlightenment.
Though there are other water plants that bloom above the water, it is only the lotus which, owing to the strength of its stem, regularly rises eight to twelve inches above the surface.
According to the Lalitavistara, "the spirit of the best of men is spotless, like the lotus in the muddy water which does not adhere to it."
According to another scholar, "in esoteric Buddhism, the heart of the beings is like an unopened lotus: when the virtues of the Buddha develop therein, the lotus blossoms; that is why the Buddha sits on a lotus bloom."
The lotus is one of Buddhism's best recognized motifs and appears in all kinds of Buddhist art across all Buddhist cultures. Scrolling lotuses often embellish Buddhist textiles, ceramics and architecture.
Every important Buddhist deity is associated in some manner with the lotus, either being seated upon a lotus in full bloom or holding one in their hands. In some images of standing Buddhas, each foot rests on a separate lotus.
The lotus does not grow in Tibet and so Tibetan art has only stylized versions of it, yet it appears frequently with Tibetan deities and among the Eight Auspicious Symbols.
The color of the lotus has an important bearing on the symbology associated with it:

• White Lotus (Skt. pundarika; Tib. pad ma dkar po): This represents the state of spiritual perfection and total mental purity (bodhi). It is associated with the White Tara and proclaims her perfect nature, a quality which is reinforced by the color of her body.
• Pink Lotus (Skt. padma; Tib. pad ma dmar po): This the supreme lotus, generally reserved for the highest deity. Thus naturally it is associated with the Great Buddha himself.
• Red Lotus (Skt. kamala; Tib: pad ma chu skyes): This signifies the original nature and purity of the heart (hrdya). It is the lotus of love, compassion, passion and all other qualities of the heart. It is the flower of Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva of compassion.
• Blue Lotus (Skt. utpala; Tib. ut pa la): This is a symbol of the victory of the spirit over the senses, and signifies the wisdom of knowledge. Not surprisingly, it is the preferred flower of Manjushri, the bodhisattva of wisdom.

I don't need too much.

I am a free spirit, I am stubborn, and sometimes impossible. I am easy to love, and difficult to let go. I have strange life circumstances but they seem to work well for me. I am looking for someone who is easy going and happy, not controlling or jealous. I am looking for someone to make me laugh, and to give myself completely to, mind body and soul. I am looking for someone with the same values, same patience (which at times I may have little of) as me, and who can put up with my dizziness (while at the same time keeping me in check). I am well put together, and that is who I am looking for. Someone who will challenge me intellectually and physically.
Somebody to love :)

Just let it go.

I recently had a conversation with the Father of my baby. The man that I am living with, (sometimes sleeping with) and still have slight feelings for. It was about our relationship status, mutually agreeing upon "just being friends." And though I was the one to initiate the conversation and head it into the direction it was going, that sentence "just friends" makes me want to stomp on kittens.

I told him if he was in love with someone I wouldn't be the person to stand between that, because that's what I would expect from him. (sending good karma my way) What sucks is that I have trouble letting go, particularly with him. I am always the one to end the relationship, but when it comes to moving on, I suck. 


Today is a very big milestone for my progress in this department. I'm trying to program myself to let go. And not be jealous. Its tough.

Clarity;

Every day gets a little bit clearer. Every choice seems to be a little bit better, and I can feel my Karma getting stronger and happier. It's like the more time that passes, the easier things become, and the more impressed I am with the choices that I'm making. I have slight breakthroughs everyday. It's like my intellect is growing and I am so aware of it. I am on a golden pathway, and it's leading me to the Sun.

Any happy fits of rage seem to go away faster and easier each time. My future is bright, and I can feel the clarity coming more each day. I'm so content in my element right now, being with my daughter, doing my practice.

My freedom is my choice. And it's the best choice I've made for a while.

Happy saint patty's day.

"come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed."
—Lucille Clifton

Refresh;

It is extremely refreshing for me to look back at the beginning of this blog, to where I am today.
I have to admit, if it wasn't teaching me about how I've grown mentally and emotionally (financially) I would not keep the majority of my 2008/2009 posts. I feel like I finally have my head on straight and I'm not freaking out and being depressed over every little thing.. Being a teenager was horrible. I hope I never have that amount of hormones in my body ever again.

Namaste :)

Tact.

tact

 /tækt/ Show Spel[takt] Show IPA

–noun

1.

a keen sense of what to say or do to avoid giving offense; skill in dealing with difficult or delicate situations.

2.

a keen sense of what is appropriate, tasteful, or aesthetically pleasing; taste; discrimination.

3.

touch or the sense of touch.

sitting;

I am at my house with my daughter, it's Christmas eve, and we're waiting for my fiance's mother to pick us up so we can spend the weekend with his family.
I haven't really felt bored enough lately to right about useless things for a while, so I thought this was a good a time as any.
Forest Gump is on tv right now, the gifts are all wrapped and placed by the door along with my overnight bag and the baby's diaper bag.
My fiance is working at the restaurant right now, he's off in about 30 minutes, and we're going to be picking him up on the way to his parents house.
Neither of us could get out of working today, which is alright, the people who managed my restaurant this morning let us drink champagne and orange juice, and were cooking us a veil lunch.. I left before they dished it out, I wouldn't feel right eating a baby cow for free.
10 minutes ago I had two sips of a white wine that has been opened and resealed in our fridge for the past 2 weeks, I am such a light weight since I had the baby, I feel tipsy already.
Grandma-G is supposed to be here in 5 minutes, but I haven't got a call yet.
We had a terrible sleep last night, baby kept waking up. Now of course she's sleeping.
The phone just rang. It was Grandma-G. She's putting gas in the car and then coming to pick me up.
I AM SO EXCITED. She'll be here in about 20-30 minutes now.
It's been a very long time since I've had a traditional Christmas with a semi normal family. It's very comforting.
I wanted to take my daughter to a Christmas mass today, but she fell asleep right before we would have had to leave. She was so tired I just couldn't wake her up. I'm starting to show a higher interest in God like I've mentioned before, and the Church right by my apartment is really welcoming and seems like a good place for me.
Any who..
I think I'll be off.
Ttfn readers.
-Yours Truly

Grown Lady.

5 year plan

- Travel to; Hawaii & Mexico
- Start making 60k a year working on movie or modeling sets
- Get breast augmentation
- Porcelain veneers/braces
- Live in a different city for at least a year
- Own a condo/townhouse/apartment/house
- Get completely out of debt
- Get married 

Blue Thursday;

Nothing like some good ol' country to heal yer blues <3

black keys

TIGHTEN UP.

;

If i could tell your world just one thing it would be 'we are all okay', and not to worry cause worry is wasteful and waste is useless in times like these. i will not be made useless, nor be idled with despair.

Feelin' good;

Birds flying high you know how I feel,Sun in the sky you know how I feel, Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel, It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me, And I'm feeling good. Fish in the sea you know how I feel, River running free you know how I feel, blossom in the trees you know how I feel, It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me, And I'm feeling good. Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know, Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean, Sleep in peace when day is done, And this old world is a new world, And a bold world..For me. Stars when you shine you know how I feel, Scent of the pine you know how I feel, Oh freedom is mine And you know how I feel, It's a new dawn, It's a new day, It's a new life For me..
And I'm feeling good.

Completely Inappropriate;

For the first time in my life, I feel completely comfortable with who I am. The way I'm living my life, and the people I'm surrounding myself with.  The decisions i have been making are ones i feel proud of, for once i don't feel like i need to prove myself to anyone, like they are going to take it or leave it and if they leave it then it just doesn't effect me anymore, i don't have the energy. Like me and my old friend who continuously seem to be hurting each other to the point of no repair; i am sick of the games, we know who we are, we love each other, but we're no good for each other. What else can i do but just let it be what it is. She's going to keep loving who she loves, and so will i and that's going to be the largest divider in our friendship creating a larger and larger void. Maybe it won't happen that way. I suppose only time will tell again. Until then it's just not something i'm going to be concerned about. It frustrates me to no extent that some of them still have the capacity to make me feel like i am in high school again, fighting for popularity, i never feel like that with Vince, Josh and Laura. They know exactly who i am, i don't need to prove anything. I used to think my other friends knew me too.. i was wrong. The only person from them who REALLY knows Sam, (or that i let see the real me) is Jay... and he's been in love with me for years now.

I just had the BIGGEST urge to delete my facebook account. 

Unrequited Love

I have been walking around for years now, wondering how you are doing, what you are doing, and quite frankly, who you've been doing. Now, this is not an obsession of mine, but lets face it, once in a while, it crosses my mind. Let me explain that to you...
...the moment I met you, was the strangest moment I have ever experienced in my life. I felt my whole life change inside of me as I knew you would be a deciding factor on how after today, I would organize my life. My heart beat faster than it has ever beaten, and that is hard to do because when I first smoked pot I thought I was going to have a heart attack. This was different, this was rough, this was painful...this was love.
You're eyes were the first thing I saw in you, from about fifty feet away, your eyes. Your massive, beautiful, enchanting and mesmerizing brown eyes were almost impossible to miss. So yes, it is safe to say, I loved you with every fiber of my being before I even knew your name.
We were in love mister, in love, you were the first to hold my hand, and I really mean, hold my hand, like you would give your life before letting go. The kind of holding that helps you breathe, think, know, and find comfort no matter where you are, as long as you're in each others arms. Knowing then what I know now, that would have been enough for me to wait around with, to wait until your schedule was able to fit me in for some lovin, to have some fucking sex, for you to get out of your bed with your friend, and be with me...
...you gave me kisses when I didn't want you too, because I was unaware, every time, that it would make me feel better. You kissed me when I felt the ugliest I have ever felt. You touched me when i just couldn't be touched, you talked to me when i was nothing but unreasonable, and you held me up when I was laying on the ground. I did the same for you, at least I hope. You never really told me after I walked away, you just walked the opposite direction, and did not look back. Remember?...
...I found myself working harder everyday to impress you, okay, so it is my fault that I didn't know it wouldn't have mattered, you loved me, I loved you and that's how it was. No in-between, when did the in-between come in? I can't remember either, I only remember a whole bunch of disrespectful banter coming out of no where, and for what? I am still confused too, mister. I told you what was up with me, and you didn't have to reciprocate, but at least tell me that you didn't want to. I'm sorry I left, I didn't mean to, you gave me a chance to change my mind, and I didn't take it. I know. What a stupid fuck. Right? Well, I know, it has been 4 years, where are you? I do believe we have been single at the same times for years now, just walking this path back to each other...
...I have fully accepted the fact that you may never come back, and it's not going to stop me from living, it's not going to take my mind away to the point where I can no longer live strongly. Actually, everyday that passes by I am getting stronger because of the decisions that I have made, everything happens for a reason, right? You happened, and I will never forget or regret that, you are fabulous beyond definition, you have become a person that I strive to be. Unfortunately, we are two different people, when really I was hoping that I could change enough to get you to want me on your own terms. When I should have just assumed that you loved me anyways, which I didn't. Because you never told me. Is it too late?...
... Have you ever experienced seeing something that you can never have. Ya know how for the most part, if you think it, feel it, work it, see it, want it then you can have it, and for the most part, that is true. You, on the other hand, you are locked behind really delicate glass, inside a safe, inside a brick casing, inside a locked building with a hundred security guards. I will never get in. Every time I hear your name, I shiver, in the best possible way. I have seen you on the street, fortunately, I have seen you look back at me once or twice.
I stop having the ability to breathe, think, see, move, smile, anything. You take everything out of me, just the thought of you makes me happier than any starbucks drink, beautiful burger, the longest cigarette, or the biggest bowl, happier than any person has ever made me...
...i love you.

Jmcwilliam

Brutal Honesty;

think about it.

The Design of the Universe;

This is ridiculously interesting;
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/george_smoot_on_the_design_of_the_universe.html

My heart is in Vancouver;

I recently took a trip out to Vancouver, the life is so much different out there than it is here, people are happier, nicer, and all together just more loving and hopeful than any general part of Alberta, I suppose I could say that about all of BC. Everything feels so fresh, crisp, like you can breathe out there. The ocean is humongous in all it's glory, I would worship the sea if I didn't seem like a complete idiot in the act. There's so much talent out there, beggars on  the street do neat tricks for petty cash, singing in deep seductive tones, or juggling while standing on a ball and balancing a bottle on their head in the mean time. It has a sort of wonder to it. Like everything was staged just for your enjoyment. There's so much music out there. Which really is where most inspiration begins in the first place. It's no wonder every stranger you pass makes you smile.
I would love to raise my daughter there.

Two half's

My life is split into two half's, and they do not get along very well, they envy each other, and they are both very stubborn. One side of my life is very happy, extremely filled with joy and laughter, this side of my life is always proud of me, always interested in what I have to say, and encouraging of my goals. The second half of my life is always judging and critiquing my choices, unsure of my strengths, and doubtful of my progress. This side is very rarely impressed or proud of my intentions. Though I struggle so much with this, because I so badly want validation, I have been coming to a head in my life where I feel like I need to let that need go. Because if I don't I will always end up feeling disappointed with myself. I know I need to be focusing on the good parts of my life, the ones that make me and the people around me happy. This should not be such a struggle, and it does come easy enough, but I always seem to have this guilt hanging over my head, like I might be letting someone I love down. [which I am NOT] well.. I suppose to them I am, but I shouldn't be, that is the realization. There's always going to be some reason for them to think I am not living up to my full potential, because we will always have a different view of things. I need to let this go. It really only matters if I am the one who feels successful in my own life. Am I right? I am genuinely happy for the first time in years, if they don't or can't be a part of that with me, then I don't think they ever will really accept me for who I am. I need to come to peace with that.

Past;

It's always interesting coming across old photo's or journals of yourself, remembering what your life used to be like, thinking about whether you've made all the right choices along the way, if it was for the better letting those people go. It seems like it was only yesterday, I was a child, irresponsible and free. Making choices that effected me or the people around me negatively, but I didn't care, it didn't effect me, or at least that was my logic. It was a wonderful feeling not to care. Not as good as it feels to care now, but still a good feeling. I wish I could reassure myself better that I've become who I want to be. That everything that's great in my life has come to me by making the right choice. That in some sense frees me also. No regrets. No fear.

"You can never go home again"

Honesty;

Honesty is a very tricky thing sometimes. You can have the best possible intentions and have them completely backfire, and owning up to that mistake to the people you care most about should be the easiest possible choice, But most of the time it isn't. I recently had to tell on of my good friends that the guy i was setting him up with relapsed on drugs, this is was a very hurtful honest moment. I have also had to deal with honesty in my own relationship, getting engaged is a big step and in getting there, there were a lot of boundaries that needed to be crossed. A lot of truth was needed in those steps, and quite a bit of it was painful, but the outcome was immaculately wonderful. I have been going through this honesty wave over the past 2 years, it has become one of the most important things communication wise that i think about, and it is very necessary. I'm thankful that i have this understanding, that i realize how important it is in building strong, real relationships, because HONESTLY.. i wasn't always this way.

New Directions;

I have recently been discovering a new side of myself, and want to keep pursuing it. Since our engagement, and even before then, I had a lot of time to really go over the idea's in my mind, the things I constantly am wrapping my head around, and honestly, most of it was crap. I have decided to spring clean my brain and my life. Letting go of things that are of no or bad use to me, focusing my attention on other things around me, events, people, thoughts. IDEAS. I want to rekindle my passion for conversation, and expand my brain. I'm tired of having relationships/men/love as the only thing my pretty little head is worried about. I've found my man, the person I want to share the rest of my life with, and now I can focus on building that life, experiencing as much as I possibly can. I want to be brilliant for my daughter. I want to be able to show her a world not many parents are enthusiastic enough about showing to their kids. I've always been able to carry on an intellectual conversation, but I want to be brilliant. Really shine. I have chosen to start paying more attention to things around me that I normally would not pay attention to, a good example would be people watching, I used to do it all the time, thinking about what that persons life must be like, because we all are so unique and carry massive events and memories and stories around with us, it's incredible that there's enough room on earth for every single one of us to have our very own separate lives, so full and rich. I'm ready to start giving a shit again. And it's a really good feeling.
This blog will be one of my tools for really connecting myself with the world, thoughts, and people again. I'm actually really stoked about it.

We Feel Fine;

We're engaged.
It was honestly one of the most perfect moments in my life, like we were a part of a movie about our relationship or something. 4 weeks ago we had our beautiful daughter, and now we are getting married. I am so incredibly in love it's overwhelming, but it's a different kind of love than I've ever really experienced, everything feels very new to me. We're on this journey together, learning so much about ourselves and the people we love, everything is just beginning and all coming together. I feel very fortunate like I've been blessed by something much larger than myself. (on a side note;I think I might be becoming a closet christian) shh don't tell ;)

Choice;

We have been to the mountain peak and back in this crazy relationship,
We've beaten each other up to a bloody pulp, thrown each other into our
own corners,and made our heads spin til we can't walk we're so dizzy.
I've been reckless with his heart as much as he's been with mine, and
maybe in the long run of it all, that could be the thing that keeps
us the strongest. we're both terrible at relationships. But it's all
a learning process. At least i know now that I'm not afraid to fight
for him. I've become a stronger person learning about how I have hurt
him. Dealing with how he has hurt me. We have compatible flaws, maybe
we don't understand them at first, but it's about learning to accept
them for our future. Looking back on everything and realizing that we
are just as capable of this great love as we are this great pain. I
choose love now, giving myself the freedom to.
Being aware. I choose love.

tell me lies tell me sweet little lies

I've made mistakes in my life.
I've let people take advantage of me,
and I have accepted way less than i deserve.
But, I've learned from my bad choices
and even though there are some things i can never get back and people who will never be sorry,
I'll know better next time.
and, I won't settle for anything less then what I deserve

Remember;

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

"What if, our confidence was placed in something bigger then ourselves so that our dreams weren't limited to our own fears and insecurities."

‎"overthinking, overanalyzing, separates the body from the mind. And Exile separates the body from the heart"

The Hunger.

My favorite you, is when you're just a little toasted. You pull me close to you. Your kisses are fiery and soft. I can feel my insides getting warmer. You're goofy and persistent. It makes me comfortable. Feeling our breath. My hands tied into yours. The lazy lay. Firm, warm, and lazy. I could fuck you for hours in that moment. Completely content without words. Just touch.

------

goodnight neverland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqN5yWg6ff4

You were always my best kept secret.

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, trust your intuition.

JULY 28th 2009

We did mushrooms with Laura Agar finally, it was wonderful. the colors were unbelievable. i remember sitting in her front yard looking at the street light through the arched trees and her short curly metal fence. just thinking about true beauty in the world. it was kind of a yellow and purple atmosphere, it was amazing. somehow it felt like the only thing that could complete its beauty was if Taylor Heywood was sitting underneath it. those moments are irreplaceable. things that keep my life together. like fall leaves bleeding impressions on the sidewalk after it rains. or looking at the dome of stars one perfectly clear night and realizing how amazingly small we are compared to the universe. or laying parallel to a friend, just staring into each others eyes while holding there hand and having that perfect moment of knowing you'll always be there for one another. or peaceful words of love between a broken friendship, sharing that bit of hope and joy when you find out they miss you as much as you miss them. this is true love.
A weeping willow cried for me.
I will not lose myself.
and i WILL be proud.

JUNE 29th 2009

I need to grow some balls. get the fucking show on the road already. time to grow up. breathe, and grow up.
stop the poor me thing, you are a product of your decade generation, act like it. :D pay more attention, you're not really working at it yet. so start, kick it off, go to fucking bed early, wake up early. take care of your life. I'm almost 20!! what the fuck!?! i wanna move out, and get married!! and have little punk rock babies!! and be really cool young parents that are really responsible!! not lazy!! lol. i wanna live in an old house, with loud speakers, and an awesome front yard that faces south so the sun is always beaming on it. with beautiful vines growing up the sides, with lots of huge messed up painted art work everywhere inside. with a big back yard with a bbq and a dog. in BC. oh man.working in a tattoo parlor. with a husband in a band, that is covered in tatty's and piercings that is an amazing father and deeply in love with me.... thats my dream. maybe in Mexico! somewhere beautiful anyways.

Ridding

I am ridding this blog of any negative energy.

hard candy.

jealousy is such a dangerous thing...

It makes us vicious and angry. Weak. Nervous.
It's completely uncontrollable. Which is the scariest part about it.
There are so many different sides to jealousy.
And they all have bad names.
They all giggle in horrible ways.
And you can never fully forget them and the ways they manage to hurt you.

It's terrible knowing how much jealousy I've let other people feel.
But it's life. You can't really help it.

I wish I could just release it and be alright.
It manages to make me feel like there is a black hole in my chest that keeps pulling my mouth, all the way down my throat to my heart, deeper and deeper into it... making me want to cry and scream all at the same time.
I never expect myself to go to that place, but it happens.
One day I am the confident, not a care in the world, siren with an attitude that commands attention.. and the next I am shriveled and dried out from crying for hours.
What a mess.

WEDNESDAY MAY 13th 2009

To my dismay.. there is a dark Jason Dean in the running. we promised each other we won't fall in love. i swear i won't. He'll go down first, i knew that from the first time he stayed the night, i thought to myself "there's no chance i will cave first" because that's how the first kiss went. i swore i wouldn't make the first move, and i didn't have to. it was exciting, he's a vampire.

Mmm.. so this guy, he has a kid. his kid is 9 months old and his name is Blake. beautiful baby, and his father... we've been.. and well... he's been, wow. yeah. don't quite know how to describe the past week. i actually ended up getting really ill. like dangerously high fever, almost passing out. we were laying in my bed together at maybe 2am, the dimmer was on real low, so everything had a dark tan color to it i was almost asleep, and he put his hand on my stomach "i could get 2nd degree burns if i left my hand here.." so he took the sheets off me, peeled off my shirt, and unhooked my bra, taking it off nice and slow. he went and got a glass of water, "we need to cool you off..." he laid down beside me, sliding the glass across my tummy. i bit my lip shivering, and as i gripped the crimson sheets with my fingers, he dipped his into the glass and let beads of water drip onto my skin, i let out a sigh that was of both pain and relief. he just kept drawing on my tummy til it was cool again, giving me sweet soft kisses and blows. i felt safe. after i was calm again he started kissing lower and lower on my belly, touching my thighs gently, just little caress'. his tongue felt like silk on my skin, warm and smooth, perfect. He lifted his head and moved closer to me with the back of his hand sliding higher on my inner thigh, spreading my legs even further, his hands got to the top of my legs, he touched me again, this time going deeper. I remember looking right in his eyes when he moved his hips into mine. the inhaled breath. the fluttering eyes. amazing that it wasn't even the first time we'd had sex together. it was like this almost every time.
His name is Vince.

He has the perfect kiss. his lips are beautiful. it's funny cuz i know im not even infatuated really,
more just stuck in admiration. which i think is much better, less chance of getting hurt and you're not worried all the time. free to have fun and really be who you are. he told me something i thought was cute when i called him a dork one day, he said "You need to be accepting of the things you don't like or understand about me so you can appreciate the things you do like." Roughly. it just made me think, it was kind of a reality check.

stop the intensity

I had to remove this post.. because I wrote it during a time when I didn't really like myself, and looking back on that time, I still don't like who I was then. Refreshed I am free.

Cocorosie - Werewolf

In a dream I was a werewolf
My soul was filled with crystal light
Lavender ribbons of rain sang
Ridding my heart of mortal fight

Broken sundown fatherless showdown
Gun hip swollen lip bottle sip yeah i suck dick
Loose grip on gravity falls sky blinding crumbling walls
River sweep away my memories of
Children's things a young mother's love
Before the yearning song of flesh on flesh
Young hearts burst open wounds bleed fresh
A young brother skinny and tall my older walks
Oceanward and somber, slumber sleeping
Flowers in the water, but I'm just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave leading to my
Schizophrenic father. Weeping willow won't you wallow louder
Searching for my father's power

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

He's a black magic wielder some say a witch
Wielded darkness when he was wilein' on his mom's
And born child and he was the bastard the that broke
Up the marriage evil doer doing evil from a baby carriage
And he was born with the same blue eyes
Crystal ships dripping with ice, diamonds coruscate
In the night fireworks electric bright
And now he's got his own two sons
Trys to hide his tears in a world of fun
But loveless bedrooms filled with doom
Bring silent heartache July to June
Swoon over new young hot flame
Mourn the memories later
Laugh now alligator

In a dream my father came to me
And made me swear that I'd keep
What's sacred to me
And if i get the choice to live in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing oh happy day

I don't mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul
You left me broke down begging for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who's deranged
He had your hands and my father's face
Another western vampire
Different time same place
I has dreams that brings me sadness
Rain much deeper than a river
Sorrow flow through me
Tiny waves of shivers
Corny movies make me reminisce
They break me down easy on this generic love shit
First kiss frog and princess

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

Fuck you.

I am really annoyed that i can't stop thinking about how furious i am with you. time is only making it worse and letting it build, because you are too selfish to resolve it.
You have taken my family captive, during one of the most important parts of my life. You are the parent. You knew the family you were marrying into. If you were uncomfortable being married to a man with a 15 year old daughter, you shouldn't have taken the step off the cliff. I am a 20 year old woman now, and the choice that I am making should have had a very minimal effect on you.
It is extremely unfair that you have used divorce as a threat, you have put yourself between me and the relationship with my family, and that is something i will never forgive you for. You keep using excuses for your behavior such as the fact that your father was an alcoholic when you were growing up, which lead to him buying your affection since a young age, never really giving you a chance for a relationship with him, and that is causing emotional issues for you now. this is bullshit, you are using it to get pity and attention, not only that but you are ruining the relationship with my father in the process, and if that is the game you want to play, i have many more toys in the sandbox, for example; Going through 2 divorces at a very young age; getting close to 2 other families that i am no longer a part of. dealing with the loss of a very close family member, my fathers drowning depression, my mothers alcoholic tendencies (which I have had to help her get through since she does not have a husband), growing up with parents who NEVER have seen eye to eye on ANY decision in my life, and now an evil step mother who will not let me close to my family because she doesn't want to have a "label". Though I know better than to use these as reasons to be emotionally cruel to people in my life. You do not need to be a Grandmother, i would prefer you not to be.
Out of all the ways you could have handled this situation, i never thought it so possible for you to make it so much about yourself when really it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
I am a grown woman fully capable of taking care of myself and my daughter, I am perfectly happy with the relationship I have built with her father, and I do not need your help. I need my family.

Help.

"i just want help, help to make choices i can't make for myself, choices that eat away at my mind every day, choices that i have to make not just for me but for those around me, i want help, help to stride for greatness when no one else has faith in me, help to shine brighter then all who oppose me, help to find my pathway, no better yet my lifeway, help, help me be a better man, a better friend, a better person, help me destroy life without a leg up, help me breath fire in the faces of doubters, help me help others do the same..just fucking help me?"
-Davien Davies

Took the words directly out of my mind tonight.

403 474 3934

it is 12am on a friday night, and my mother is missing with her 2 year old son that i love like my own, i am freaking out. she could be staying at a friends house, or she could have been hit by a car, she could have been raped and killed... and my little brother could be laying bleeding somewhere. point being, she told my brother she was going to the store 6 hours ago, and she's not returned. i have called the police at this point. i am pacing. crying. shaking. nervous. i don't know what to do but wait. wait for a phone call. i have called all the hospitals in the city and she's not been admitted to any of them, so i am waiting for my brother to call me after the police come to his house and fill out a report. my mother has not been out of her house past 8pm since Raven was born.

"

with innocent eyes I explore the world, with an open heart I love you and all that you are. No matter what happens, in all that is; I find joy with a curious mind and a giggle at my lips.

"


come home mommy. i'm scared, and you're the only other person who knows me like i do.

burn it.

haven't you heard? i guess we're just two wounded birds.
I need to not sweat the small stuff right now. it's just causing me more unwanted stress in my crazy life. love what can be loved because it can be, and burn what can be burned. because it needs to be. voicing my emotional side on any argument will not get me anywhere right now.
i am tired of being sad because of the way the people closest to me react to my life.
it's stress i don't need. so just let it go. i don't need to control every inch of my life. i don't really need to care about most of it even. just the important things, like work, and the baby, the rest i just need to be content with, and comfortable and live. let myself be happy for once. and just breathe.

practical magic.

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

catch

I am a CATCH let me tell you,
im really happy that i keep old journals and updates about myself, because when i start to lose touch with myself i can find me again.
it can remind me of who i am and what i have to offer --- how wonderful my life is, and how much i really love it.
The first step to finding the love of your life is finding the love inside of you for yourself.
you really need to love yourself.
I am so thrilled to be becoming a mother! i could cry right now, what more of a gift could i ask for to complete my life.

getting this off my chest.

I feel trapped in my home.
My dad keeps cutting me out of his life.
i have no savings, i am starting a new job next week, and thats not enough time for me to save
first months rent for the new apartment im moving into.
i have the support of a wonderful group of friends, but i am constantly on the verge of a mental break down.
I'm starting to get a baby bump. I'm gonna have to pawn some things to get money for moving.
which my dad now refuses to help me do.
All of the light bulbs in my house have burned out minus one living room light and a lamp i have in my bedroom.
I am having a baby with a boy i am no longer in love with nor in a relationship with but, we will be living together as parents and friends.
My dad and step mother continuously refuse to accept that i am having a baby and are doing everything in their power to try to make me give it up for adoption. of course abortion was their first request but it is much too late for that now, as i am 4 months pregnant.
i am ecstatically happy about being a mother.
there is not a day goes by that i dont struggle with the relationship of my dad, my best friend, or my baby's father. they are causing more stress in my life than my finding out i was pregnant to begin with. they are the only part that is making any of this difficult for me.
I am craving a stable relationship of any sort.
I am getting food from the food bank for the very first time in my life.
i can't wait to get the fuck out of here.

Pathetic me

I am struggling with my pathetic half.
one side argues that i know exactly what i want and i know what i will or will not put up with, and the other side of me is desperate to take on the next idiot that comes stumbling into my complicated life. I am going to be a mother. And i am still searching for love!!
it's as if every moment is a test, grading me to see if i am ready to take on something real.
I know EXACTLY what i want. but i am restless and impatient.
Constantly realigning myself. I am taking care of a 20 year old child when i really don't need to be.
But somehow i have convinced myself that it makes things easier for me. Does it? I'm starting not to believe myself. which could actually turn out to be a good thing for once.
I love Craig Ferguson. He makes everything laughable, and disregards all responsibility.
I am complete nonsense most of the time.
I am not in love/lust/ OR infatuation right now, and i think that is what bothers me the most. i am constantly in need of a muse. the biggest problem with that now is, i have much higher standards. which makes muses much harder to come by. what kind of logic is that?! constantly craving things that are mentally unhealthy for me.

when i think about you i can hardly contain myself, i feel like im gonna cry, i smile, the inside of my body feels like a musical orgasm, im completely free, like im finally doing something right.. the happiest blues of my life. and i dont even know you. stars when you shine, you know how i feel.. it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, for me... and im feeling good.

I need to grow.

Lost. Crazy.
I'm Starving for Knowledge
it's driving me completely insane, i'm craving more passion,
and thats coming more naturally to me these days...
his lips make me quiver, and it's impossible for me to go an entire day
without thinking about how he makes me numb in the most perfect ways
im clinging to his rapture and crying because it makes me so happy
it's like the most potent poison,
and i am completely satisfied.

UCK-F;

im a FUCKING teenager. leave me the FUCK alone! let me love, let me fuck, let me be me. fuck you and everything that comes along with you. where the fuck is my mind?! slowly one by one you'll fall away and become part of the fucking scenery. you don't know me stop pretending you do.. maybe im in love. and it's not with you. feet in the air and your head on the ground. collapse. where is my mind? how dare you tell me about my flaws when i am drowning in yours. judgemental piece! you have no fucking idea! poison the water and tell me to drink from it! you don't understand me and you never will, get me the fuck out of here. does it tear you apart?! does it eat you up inside!? just ask yourself.. "where is my mind?"
you all have done this to me. you're all responsible. and yet you don't even know. sobbing at the fear for tears, weigh me out in the water. you think i have issues? the issues i have created for myself are all subjects of your own self distruction... fucking ask yourself. you want all your answers, we're all lonely pieces of a ridiculous puzzle that no one knows the answers to. pointless, you're completely pointless. everyone expects me to turn out a certain way, fuck you all. go dance with the pixies, you dont know what real life is, you can't even come close. for the first time in years i've felt something real. and im supposed to feel bad for it? take me or leave me. i could keep you close to me for hours. kiss me one more time before you leave. nothing is ever satisfied. restraining orders on ex lovers? trapped inside something that i cant feel is real. where is my mind?

this pattern..

i don't know what to do.. I'm torn between what i know is right and what i want.. I've never been the most honest type, I've always been the betrayer... the liar.. the one you think you can trust.. i mess up.. i hurt people. i make those i love most cry, better i should know. i live off a cycle and that is to crave something and once i get to it i do everything in my nature to destroy it. the life I've left behind me is a cold room. take me in, no questions asked.. you strip away the ugliness that surrounds me. i know I'll disappoint you. it's never good enough, and i find myself always seeking more... i don't understand at the thought of the touch of your hand i would be the one to fall.. you drive me crazy, though i have everything i should want, and that is right for me.. i want to give my passion to you. those who love me the way i love deceit.

i do what i have to

What ravages of spiritConjured this temptuous rageCreated you a monsterBroken by the rules of loveAnd fate has led you through itYou do what you have to doAnd fate has led you through itYou do what you have to do ...And I have the sense to recognize thatI don’t know how to let you goEvery moment markedWith apparitions of your soulI’m ever swiftly movingTrying to escape this desireThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doThe yearning to be near youI do what I have to doBut I have the sense to recognizeThat I don’t know howTo let you goI don’t know howTo let you goA glowing emberBurning hotBurning slowDeep within I’m shaken by the violenceOf existing for only youI know I can’t be with youI do what I have to doI know I can’t be with youI do what I have to doAnd I have sense to recognize butI don’t know how to let you goI don’t know how to let you goI don’t know how to let you go

soul.

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide

Voices trapped in yearning

Memories trapped in time

The night is my companion

And solitude my guide

Would I spend forever here

And not be satisfied?

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I’ll take your breath away...

And after I’d wipe away the tears,

Just close your eyes dear.

Through this world I’ve stumbled

So many times betrayed

Trying to find an honest word

To find, the truth enslaved

Oh you speak to me in riddles and,

You speak to me in rhymes,

*My body aches to breathe your breath

You words keep me alive*

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I’ll take your breath away

And after I’d wipe away the tears

Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander

It’s morning that I dread

Another day of knowing of

The path I fear to tread

Oh into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride

Nothing stands between us here

That I won’t be denied

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I’ll take your breath away

And after I’d wipe away the tears

Just close your eyes dear

?

what the fuck am i? what are we? beings on this "earth" we call it. still and quiet. falling. breathless. underneath my skin, what is i? look inward. what is there? a soul? are you an empty shell like me? when you look in the mirror, you see what you see everyday, when i look in the mirror, i question whats there. what are we?! growing colder. i can feel myself under your skin. the unanswerable question will haunt me for my entire life. beings on this earth. alien. turning into dust.

I'm in the business of misery,Let's take it from the top.She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock.It's a matter of time before we all run out,When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.I waited eight long months,She finally set him free.I told him I couldn't lie he was the only one for me.Two weeks and we caught on fire,She's got it out for me,But I wear the biggest smile.Whoa, I never meant to bragBut I got him where I want him now.Whoa, it was never my intention to bragTo steal it all away from you now.But God does it feel so good,Cause I got him where I want him now.And if you could then you know you would.It's gonna just feel so...It just feels so good.Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.Once a whore you're nothing more, I'm sorry, that'll never change.And about forgiveness, we're both supposed to have exchanged.I'm sorry honey, but I passed it up, now look this way.Well there's a million other girls who do it just like you.Looking as innocent as possible to get to who,They want and what they like it's easy if you do it right.Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!Whoa, I never meant to bragBut I got him where I want him now.Whoa, it was never my intention to bragTo steal it all away from you now.But God does it feel so good,Cause I got him where I want him right now.And if you could then you know you would.It's gonna just feel so...It just feels so good.I watched his wildest dreams come trueNot one of them involving youJust watch my wildest dreams come trueNot one of them involving...Whoa, I never meant to bragBut I got him where I want him now.

viscous

i just wanna rip your head off with my teeth!

Here we Go again.

Well another bad day's gone by.Another day of being angry.Never known a person who could spend so much time being mad at me.And I didn't mean to get here late, my car ran out of gas, and then a freight train crashed into the road and I had to save the people.Didn't think you'd get so mad, but here we go...here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Well I'm glad that you calmed down.Never thought I'd ever see you smile after your head spun around and you spit all that green stuff out on me.No, I can't go to the mall. That really sucks you know how much I love to wait while you change again and again and again and again and again.Didn't mean to let you down, but here we go...here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Well, I'm really sorry that.....that I made you mad again.That doesn't really mean I'm sorry.Cause it's really not my fault that you're over reacting...here we go...here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Your face cramps and you make a frown, then you make a whiny sound,and it won't be long till we both reach ground zero well oh no here we go again.And I know you didn't get your way, and now I guess you want to fight all day.I better watch out what I say, well don't look now cause here we go again. Don't look now cause here we go again.Don't look now cause here we go again. Yeah.Don't look now cause here we go again.Don't look now cause here we go again

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain I like watchin' the puddles gather rain And all I can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view But it's not sane, It's not sane I just want some one to say to me I'll always be there when you wake Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today So stay with me and I'll have it made And I don't understand why I sleep all day And I start to complain that there's no rain And all I can do is read a book to stay awake And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape escape......escape......escape...... All I can say is that my life is pretty plain ya don't like my point of view ya think I'm insane Its not sane......it's not sane

summer 07

just something i jotted down Wednesday August 1st 2007:

i just don't give a damn anymore,
itch the itch, chase the girl, keep the dream..
too tired to put up a fight, too hurt to turn out the light,
lick your lips as i sway my hips..
i cheated myself like i knew i would.
you know im no good.

put me where i belong <3
what a bitch. watch the bloody chrimson heart pound rivers through her skin.
let go of what i've done erase myself and start again!
make it happen.

Devine Moments of Truth ~~~

all alone he turns to stone,
while holding his breath half the time,
terrified of what's inside,
to save his life,
he crawls like a worm from a bird.

watched American Psycho for the first time...why do psycho movies make me feel insane?
"when asking a woman out on a date.. there's two things i think of...
one is -- treating her all sweet, buying her nice things and being all giggly...
the second is -- what her head would look like on a stick."

twisted in thought, and losing my mind to whatever it is out there that makes us all crazy..
am i paranoid or just running?
is your mind like a sponge? soaking up the energy and intoxicants of the world? all the psychobabble bullshit that i keep referring to.
i could rant like this for hours, typing away about all the freaky little thoughts that come skipping across my mind and playing with my brain making swirls and mush of it.
where do all our thoughts go? they just appear out of nowhere and then they're gone again...
honestly though, all of our thoughts are just a continuum of one huge thought that's been going on our entire lives.. one leading to the next, it's crazy how many things can be connected like that.

mmmm Shpongle. <3

I Hit Him With An Axe.. In The FACE.

how dare you see my flaws as something morbid instead of beautiful,
how dare you shrink my inabilities until there is nothing left.
how dare you fucking create this world without something real inside of it.
how dare you chase away my life and leave it scattered on the bloody pavement.
how dare you make yourself a god and me a petty beggar.
how dare you laugh, while the one you've broken is crying, you know you are bigger than them..
how dare you not give him a chance.
how dare you say that you only meant well.. because of course you did.

Ransom notes keep falling out of your mouth.

dance dance

So, he's leaving, i am finally in love, true fucking pure love, and he's on the highway.
it's going to keep me good, and it's going to keep me right, and i just want one more kiss!
but he's gone.
all i wanna do is get the hell out of calgary, and he's doing it.
why arn't i leaving with him?

the irony in this situation is enough to make one tiny person explode!
and im waiting.
im waiting for my life to start, for my travelling to begin!
and to be able to be with HIM.
jebus, what else can i do now, but wait?
im all his, and he's all mine, and it's that forever thing, that kiss me and take my soul thing.
that life mates, soul mates thing! and im waiting.
[and don't even get me started on the sex]

Think Happy Thoughts.

Be Positive.

Butterflies.

...i'm about to do something really bad.
something i keep doing in cycles.
something that is always AMAZING in the beginning but by the end brings me so much pain and hate that i honstly go insane..
i've already started.. i can feel it in my stomach,
why does it have to be the only thing that gives me butterflies?
i know how this goes, and i know where it ends.
and every time it does i tell myself that i'll never let my mind go there again..
and then one day, just out of no where.. it could have been weeks to days to months, but it always happens..
i feel my mind turn, and i feel my heart skip beats, and those oh so memorable butterflies creep their way down my throat and into my stomach.. and i know from that point on, im lost again.

i have an addiction...
and his name is Joe.



[I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame
This tearing apart...I think we all should die
I think we're dead inside
I know the purest rain
Won't wash the bloody stain
I know it waits to strike
This sickness from inside Will tear us apart
You're still in my heart Tearing apart
O you hold the rain
Far far away
Wild swans skim across a lake
Then soar in a white arc
Above my head I wakeTearing apart
You're still in my heart Tearing apart
O you hold the rain]

i am not an environmentalist

1..
"Anyone help you with that?"
"could i interest you in a reusable bag from _____?"
"Do you have an air miles card?"
"Would you like a regular planet killing bag instead?"
"reciept in the bag?"
"Have a good day!"

jesus fuck.


if i have to listen to one more persons sorry excuse for not buying a 1.99$ reusable bag, my head is going to explode.
"um.. actually, im a volunteer, so i've already done my part to protect the planet.."
fuck off. lol.

Stuck In The Real.

I think the one thing that i always hated about writting blogs, was that half way through i would get bored.. simply for the fact that it always felt like i was writting for an audience.
maybe that made me feel like i couldn't expand my thoughts or my views to their full potential merely because i wanted to appear milder than i really am.
like for instance, the topic of sex.
i would never write about sex on an online blog because it's not something you always want to share with your entire online world..
but in reality, it's something thats on my mind almost all the time, and it really should be written about.. and not just sex, but passion, and lust, and those gasping moments when your whole world is spinning and your entire body goes numb from that one kiss...
you know that kiss?.... the one where when it's happening, and you're lips are brushing each other.. real.. slow..
it's almost like your souls are circling in and out of each other like an endless loop of total ecstasy, and you can breath each others breath.. and ironically enough, it makes your breathless and almost light headed.
i miss that.

but like this kiss and many other REAL things i fail to mention in my "blog" life, it leaves me feeling like what im writting about really has no meaning at all.
so what am i doing?

i guess all i can do is pick up from this post and write about what i'm completely passionate about and fuck the rest.
because whats the use of a juicy blog, without being thirsty for something good?
and so it begins..

Chastise

Keeping calm all the time,
I'll keep your secrets and make them mine,
Chastising is my only friend
The Dearest one til the end.

TwitterPated

Being shy and nervous,
excited and affraid,
anknowing and not in love,
crazyness...
total and complete crazyness!

strength is something i have now.. something thats all mine to conquer.
just still as fucked as ever. but as always - i'm a hostage to my own humanity.

with love way behind me, and my past completely gone, maybe i can finally discover me.
all i know so far is that most everything is about knowing when to stop.. stop.

been restless over psychobable with college kids, expanding my intilectual intercourse.. like something out of Waking Life.
and i guess i'm Happily Alone.

confessions?

"Throw me a line with a hook and some raw bleeding bait, for I am uncaught and still swimming alone in the lake.."

As it stands, i have enough guilt to start my own religion..
stranger thing: i don't feel it..
is it sad when emotions like guilt or fear are replaced with angst or bitterness?
and i mean, full blown bitterness.

One step closer to finding my inner truths, and it almost feels like i'm becoming selfish. Or maybe thats how everyone else thinks i should feel.

[right before the apocolypse i wrote] :
I have a way of sabotaging my life subconsciously to get rid of all the shit that's not good for me.

..couple bottles of wine and a cell phone later; i am getting thrown into the street and all I knew was her face, and it was gone.